semakin RENDAH!

i was down at the lobby,
when a colleague came up to me and started talking.
we came to a point where the malay language is being discussed and used;
and the elder colleague said something like this,
"padi semakin tunduk, semakin...?"
and i answered "rendah!"

CONFIDENT! and i got it wrong.
hahs, paiseh.
and then started the conversation of languages.
malu sia.

when that particular colleague of mine started talking,
i felt so ashamed that i'm a malay, but i can't even speak proper malay!
damn shit! that really caught me red faced, mann.

hais, seriously la. not good. not good.
but to me malay language is hard lor!
haha. EXCUSES!

FAHLYNN ADER ADER AJER TAU!

can i cry and maki out loud now?!

I WANT ABANG, AND NOT YOU!

i dont have such time to update much anymore. period.

you

i miss you, i love you, i want you and i need you.

i hope this will continue on till it is supposed to end.
i want you with me, i want you to be by my side when i need you.

i want to hear your heart pumping,
and i want to hear your breath of life.
i want to feel your chest going in and out, breathing ever so deeply.
i want to lie beside you and talk about anything from my education to your life.

its those little things that made me want to spend more time with you.
with each little passing moments that we have shared together,
its not those big outings that we had that made me crave for your more.
its those little moments that we share together.

those moments that other people never appreciate.

and i know when they are, cos i dont get to spend my whole life with you.
and so its those little conversations that we have with each other despite where we are,
those shy smiles that we gave to each other, in discreet.

its those small tokens that we passed to each other,
while others may think its just normal stuff.
but with each small ordinary tokens i passed to you,
i think about you.

and i do care. please let me. even if it will hurt me.

bye.

no shit. lappie crashed! haha. seriously. don't ever wanna go back home again. serious. period. nobody is ever gonna stop me. no fuck. not feeling it right now. anyone who read this blog of mine, anything just gimme a text at my cell. cos the next time i'm gonna be online to post anymore shits that have been happening in my life will be... GOD KNOWS WHEN. okay?

thank you vey much.

okay, is it me. or is it me? am i getting sick byday or is it just imagining? my head's in a spin and everything's gone blur. my tummy is in constant brawl to the toilet. and my shoulder is not helping at all. my leg is swollen now like one huge ostrich egg. i can't even breathe properly. seriosly, am i going to die soon or what?!

my constant heavy breathing is not helping at all. seriously. its driving me nuts. this thing have been going on and off ever since last year. and it sucks really big time. i really hate to be sick. maybe i really need to go to the doc soon. seriously la... this thing is making my head spin like crazy. and makes my vision blur everytime i stand up. or maybe its low blood pressure?? haha.

aku nie... da mcm org tua. nkalah org tua yang healthy. hehe. da la da la. nak gi rest nie. kalau tak, mampos jugak aku!

i just want this to end,
please.

anyone who wants to go out with me and set me straight? looking forward to thursday. i don't know what to do, seriously. i envy those who are happy. can anyone make me happy like i was before? can i drink and forget everything that has ever happen to me in the past few months? can i just crawl into a dark hole and never come out?

if i die, who will cry for me?

just please.

i just want someone who can love me with all his heart and make me happy.

are you that person?

mummy made us this honeyed cornflakes which we all like.
thank you.

p/s: the bruise aint getting any better.

PEDIH LA!

OUCH!

that is all i could say for now.

i don't know whasts up ehh. maybe its just that people don't like to see me happy. and seriously, i'm having a fucking huge problem here. i don't like to share my things with people - and that includes my own siblings. but what the hell. this must be one of my bad mood. *moodswings*

okay okay. and so asma found me at last! we should hang out together babe - i mean since now i don't mind going to east side. like serious, west da takder pape seyys. lucky her she've found the right guy. but for me... hehe. once you get close to me, you'll find out girl. ;) da dgr cite, kepala boleh pecah, SERIOUS. i tak bedek seyys.

soccer tomorrow. damn excited. plus, lala's birthday. wee. but still, *sighs*. i feel like a loner now. i just want to go school everyday so that i'll be around people who i can talk to freely. do school projects like nobody's business and stop thinking of other things. i need to get a job, PRONTO! but but stupid double bay bar didn't even call me up. i put my hipes up high for them. waste my bloody time. schould work somewhere in the west or maybe town area. just to keep my mind off things.

what do you think guy? any suggestions on where should i work? no SB or CBTL okies. been there, done that. i wanna work night. or maybe something that can slot into my wacky time-table now. like serious.

anyway, i am so enjoying school right now that i don't ever want school to end. i mean, yes, we're doing nothing. but seriously. it helps me keep my mind off things. like huge time. and so i better go now. in search of my love.

any candidates?

-i smell of him-

A Sadistic Post

seriously, at this point of time i'm wishing that i have lots more to do in terms of project work. cos it really takes my mind off things that shouldn't be in my head in the first place. seriously. but hey, at least i'm not stressed because of school. that's good, right? only god knows what i''m feeling actually. lose hope on everything. just feel like giving up. there isn't any much faith in me to keep me living. i hate the world. i hate everyone. i hate you.

i miss you my baby girls.

These girls i miss.

it couldn't get any better than this.

ohkays, it's been two days now that i have been smilimg and blushing at the name of two guys. hees. life have been perfectly awesome. i'm back to my old self. getting my face all red everytime when we start talking about Pasha from Ungu band. no, like serious. according to Ninie, who slept over at my place yesterday, my face turned all red everytime we were talking about him. haha. and i start to smile widely like he's just right there infront of me. ouh, how awesome would that be.

i am so motivated to go to Indonesia now, just to find him or some equally hot Indonesian teenage/adult guy. i mean they are so frigging good looking. god knows what i'll do with them. hehe. and and besides, Ariel is hot too. plus also that singer form the band Titans. ouh why must they be all so handsome and good looking? *sighs*

oh oh. and as for the other guy.. hehe. makes me motivated AGAIN to just go to school. i am happy this way. thank god for him. but he'll only be with us for only a few weeks.. *sobs* but till then imma attend school like it'll be the last thing for me to do in my life. especially on SW days. and when we get to play soccer even though it'll only be after class have been dismissed. but still.. its better than nothing. :)

and now i hafta get back to viewing Pasha's candid photos. Laterz!

grocery shopping.

mann, i followed my mom for grocery shooping like two nights ago. stocked up on my redbull (which is like 9 cans!) and not forgetting my OREOS! bought this wheat and honey nestum which i miss eating and Meiji milk. and and also my tofu-wrapped crispy chicken and kinder bueno. hehe. it was pretty awesome actually. haha. LOVE you, mom.

so yesterday went to Pravina's workplace and slacked there before meeting the rest at Bugis. no really, am not into shisha babe. just sit there for like half an hour before returning back to Prav's workplace to pick her up. and she was sick, like damn fucking sick la. so we talked and chill at the bridge while she was eating her ice cream bread from the uncle next to us. hehe. and then Rafidah called us saying that if we want she could accompany us. haha. i could go home OR stay and not go home and meet Fid up. but hell, i stink mann that night. with all my sweats. i could literally smell myself in the bus. haha. i do hope there's time for the three of us next week. but fuck la. i'm going to be fucking busy sia. nabeh.

oh oh. and i will be working with jegan starting from next week. hahs. miss him loads. oh and btw, I CUT BANGS!!! awesome awesome. i love my new look. pretty much japanese cina. =) am happy with myself.

i've gotta go and shower now i guess. loads of projects to finish up and hell no, babe. i do love you. hearts and kisses to those who deserve it. hehes.

AM SUPER EXCITED AND MOTIVATED TO GO TO SCHOOL COS OF OUR CUTE SW TEACHER AND THIS CUTE JUNIOR OF OURS WHO WE CAN SEE EVERY SINGLE DAY! YAY TO CUTE GUYS BEING THE MOTIVATION!

hehehehehehehehe.
awesome awesome awesome.

ditched it.

some asses. just don't get it. anyhoos, holidays was AWESOME! haas. with lots of drinking, drama(s) and basically bitching. hehe. i miss my GFs. god damn you guys. haha. we're so tight that no one can ever bring us apart. made a new friend that now i'm currently close to. and besides now i'm effing single AND available. but hey, i don't want a date right now. cos for all i know i just want to enjoy life right now. haha. its my time of the year babes. and i don't wanna listen to any guys saying NO to me clubbing, drinking or smoking. cos fuck guys. they're just a pain in the ass ALL THE FUCKING TIME. i know. damn shit ehh. haha. guys guys. what right do they have over me right now. huh? SATURDAY BABY. i'll be at DXO. hehe. and hey, i'm so wishing for some other cool clubs to enter when the right time comes. yeah.

oh, sorry. i was looking at The Arena's Absolut Beauty. hehe. :) seriously, i can't wait. haha. YAY! at damn fucking last luh. i get to club. yipee! awesome , awesome. haha. anyway, i better get going to sleep now. leg's a fucking pain in the ass. no shit about that.

coming to the end of March

WEE!

but first things first.

happy birthday to my friends, shikin(17), khaleed&dahnial(16).

and March, by far the worst month of this new year. but i'm hopeful for the better. hees. i'm pretty much sure come April things will at least be a wee bit different. hopefully. missing my baby and hunny right now. can't wait to meet them soon!

i've got nothing much to blog about right now except for Desaru Getaway was a pretty much needed escape route for me and last Saturday was sucha turn-off! can't wait to get down and dirtayy at the beach soon, since the weather is looking pretty good.

other than that i think i had enough of rebelling for now. and its time for me to tone down abit until my big day comes! YAY! but i'm not really looking forward to it as i've got no concrete plan on what to do and who to spend it with except for my girls.

my LJ is taking prettayy long to upload a picture! *sighs* need to get more food in my body. need to be happy for me. i'm now living off my needs, wants and demands. ohkayy, i better go shower and get my long awaited rest now.

my [advanced] 18th wishlist! - updated!

okay. and so my birthday is coming up REALLY soon. EGG-CITED!

1. i really want baileys and coke!
2. i want my loved ones with me for my birthday!
3. i want an external hard drive baby.
4. DRESSES!!!
5. HEELS!!
6. M.A.C make up kit honeys.
7. i want wonderful pictures to be taken (its a must!)

the top is my then birthday wishlist.
but things happen and i don't really ask for much on my birthday.
i just want those who i love with me, to celebrate my 18th birthday.
certain people like fid and prav. and HYM. yeah, you.
but no worries.
i think for this birthday, my biggest and most meaningful, most loved present will be priceless.
and its not bought.
i already know what is it because i've been told.
and i'll cherish every second i have with my present.

i know, i'm getting emotional here.
but thats because i miss everything.
EVERYTHING!

alasanmu

Ikhlasnya hati sering kali disalah erti
Tulusnya budi tidak pernah engkau hargai
Berlalu pergi dengan kelukaan ini
Ku mengalah,ku bersabar

Bertentang mata seolah olah tiada apa
Berpaling muka ada saja yang tidak kena
Mencari sebab serta alasan yang kukuh
Supaya tercapai hajatmu

Manis di bibir memutar kata
Malah kau tuduh akulah segala penyebabnya
Siapa terlena pastinya terpukau
Pujukmu,rayumu,suaramu yang menagih simpati dan harapan

Engkau pastinya tersenyum dengan pengunduran diriku
Tetapi bagiku pula suatu ketenangan
Andainya kita terus bersama belum tentu kita bahagia
Selagi tidak kau ubah cara hidupmu

Ada rahmatnya bila tidak lagi bersama
Terasa jauh diriku ini dengan dosa
Ku tinggalmu walau tanpa kerelaan yang nyata
Kau tidak berubah

Bertentang mata seolah olah tiada apa
Berpaling muka ada saja yang tidak kena
Mencari sebab serta alasan yang kukuh
Supaya tercapai hajatmu

Manis di bibir memutar kata
Malah kau tuduh akulah segala penyebabnya
Siapa terlena pastinya terpukau
Pujukmu,rayumu,suaramu yang menagih simpati dan harapan

Engkau pastinya tersenyum dengan pengunduran diriku
Tetapi bagiku pula suatu ketenangan
Andainya kita terus bersama belum tentu kita bahagia
Selagi tidak kau ubah cara hidupmu

Katalah apa yang kau ingin
Selagi kau dapat berkata
Memang begitu sikapmu semenjak dahulu
Andainya kita terus bersama belum tentu kita bahagia
Selagi tidak kau ubah cara hidupmu

numb.

i'm just so numb i don't know what to feel anymore.
i'm happy when i'm with you.
but at the same time when i'm all alone, nothing ever feels right.
not now, not ever.
not until i get things straight and get all the answers that i want.
not until i know what is actually going on in your head, and in your heart.
not until this heart of mine is free of the pain that it aches so much i feel like dying.
not until i get you back in my life, loving you like before.

because baby, i still love you and i don't want to let you go.

welcome back, love.

There's Nothing Between Me&Zaidi!

okay. there you go.
fucking free from all the fucking fights that we have been having every single fucking nights!
heart pain, yes. sad, NO!
damn shits all the stupid things that have been happening to me in my life.
i don't give a fucking shit anymore.
i don't care.
i need to regain back my self independance.
nabeh.

i have truly lost myself somewhere along that 1 year line.
and its time for me to get back on my feet.
straightened my backbone.
and walk with my head up high.

its time now.

good bye, dependant Fahlynni.
welcome back, independant Fahlynni.

worse than the messiest thing.

i dunno and i give up. i don't know what is the truth and what is not. life is in such a mess right now. i'm sorry baby for this. i''ll make it up to you. and so nabeh cibai. i think i can just concentrate on my exams right now. lets hold this off till i finish my exams. i dunno whether to believe or not. my head, my life, my thinking - its all in a mess.

i fell. for you. months ago. i should've listen to them. but you know what? your mouth gets the better of me. nabeh cibai. let me think. you're not fighting with your parents, somehow you are just avoiding me. why? i dunno.

you want to commit suicide i cried for you. because i really thought it was real. and also because i loved and care for you.

and now i do not know what else to do okay? because im in such a mess right now. nabeh.

it would be good if human beings don't need to think.

study session went wrong.

okay, after school was STUDY, STUDY, STUDY (right)! i did some revisions. but it was only a page or two. what do you expect? it was straight after school. and i was smiling my biggest smile all the way! *only HB knows why. i'm proud of you!* and so anyway, i just realised that if ever i wanna study outside, NO CAMERAS ARE ALLOWED. dammit. cos this was what happened.

my hair's such a distraction.

though not alot of snaps, but seriously. i will not bring my camera when i know i'm going out to STUDY!

-akusetanorang-

HB as how we all are.

me&sayang

school nowadays is such a chore. but thanks to the guys in class, they make going to school at least at tad better. and so the above picture is my part-time boyfriend, firdaus. "syg, esk gi school okay?" hehehe. school yesterday was oh-kay. we didnt do anything much. except for housekeeping theory for the first period and sales&marketing. other then that, we're not having anything. so between 9am-4pm, we only had like 3 hours of studying. lol. for the rest of the hours, we camwhored. as per normal.

me&eswary damn fucking bored.

after the 'coke' session. hee.

maddy&ash

eidel has a fucking huge crush on this dude!

and so that was just part of it, anything you could just view my multiply. and if i haven't upload it by the time you're viewing my multiply site, apologies apologies.

okay for the next post will be during my study session.
LOL!

housekeeping.

this is what happens when i study when the sun is up. this is what happens when i study alone at home. boring or what. i wanna go out, dammit. anyway, i've yet to published my really advanced birthday gift from nyai. yipeeee!

"vampiry"

dammint.
this few days i'm feeling very "vampiry".
- i f that's even a word uhh.

so anyway, i'm chatting with aidil now.
haha.
OLD BOY, AIDIL. *you know i know ah*

and so anyway, nabeh.
today i woke up at 5 plus sia.
then go out of my gran's house at 6 plus.

i salute you who made me do that ah ehh.
*sighs*

lucky you know.
LUCKY i tell you.

if you're some random shit ass,
i'll most probably sleep my way through your problem sia.

but its okay now.

and i'm forced to start studying today.
nabeh la sial.

but at the end of the day i still have to study for my upcoming exams.

still got projects some more.
bloody shit sia like this.

HEADACHE LA SIAL LIKE THIS.

some more ytd i didn't turn up for kak esha's birthday.
sorry ehh kak.
kanina la cibai.

stress sia school.
fuck it la. one more year to go.
next semester no fucking around already.

YOUR THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN TALK ME INTO STUDYING.
PLEASE ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.
I NEED YOU AT THIS CRUCIAL POINT OF MY SEMESTER.
FUCK ME IF I NEVER STUDY!
JUST FUCK ME TILL I CRY!

seriously, i need someone to start knocking on my head.

oh yeah, and this blog is under construction because i want a full moon and vampire skin.
only those who are close to me know why i like it.
:)

no negatives.

when i don't talk to you, it doesn't mean that i hate you.
when i don't say a word it doesn't mean that i don't love you.

don't blame every matter on the financial crisis.
money don't mean the world to me.

i am already mature enough to think.
i am already mature enough to act.

i may look peaceful, but deep inside i'm disturbed.
my head is spinning , thinking.

i also have my own problem to solve.
i also have my own reasons.

don't think that if i don't return i don't like it here.
i am just merely getting away from the problems here.

i just want to spend my time with HIM.
i just want to talk things over.

i may not answer all your questions.
but it does not mean that i don't want to tell you.

i just don't know how to.
for living with a guy.

i have talked to you about him.
so i hope npw you can take the hints.

as for now, i shall get my rest.
and not look like a panda bear tmr.

i shall lie my head.
and wait for his call.

i shall close my eyes
and dream a thousand smiles of you.

a break.

dammit.
i don't know whats up with me, seriously.
one moment i was happy, the next i am moody.
can somebody please tell me?

i feel so sorry for him.
cos i have been avoiding him all this while.
and i know you did nothing wrong.
but its not me to ignore your texts.

definately not me.

and so right now i am blogging feeling guilty.
of the love we used to share,
that is now non-existance
in my heart.

how could i fall out of love with you?
the answer is simple:
i feel obliged,
to be in a relationship with you.

you may think its because of a third party,
but think again, my dear one.
i have been becoming more distance even before this week
i have not been meeting you often even before this week.

and all that smiles and hug
were all pretence of the confusion beneath it.
we may not be fated, or we may be fated.
but thats entirely up to the One above.

i am just here to play my part.
i'm doing this because of the reason underneath it.
a reason that none of us will know.
a reason none of us shall find out.

love do come in different forms.
but the one im looking for is just not you.
or maybe it is you.
i have yet to find out.

till then, lets take a step back and ask:

"is this natural and real or obliged and pretence?"

Love

its something that sets us apart from who we are.
it lets us feel those that cant be touched and see.

oh, dammit.
love is a complicated mixes of emotions and thoughts.

when you care, you love.
but does that mean you will love till death do you part?

but when you love till death do you part,
you care for the other half as well.

so what is love?

some may think they know the answer..
and some may not know the answer.

but what is love to you,
totally depends on ur perception.

some loves are right, while others are wrong.

at the end of the day, its you who decides.

like a family of vampires.

it really came to me. why am i fighting with them? why? hell, i dun even know what i'm fighting about! *laughs* world, oh world. i guess my stand and purpose was not clear. and i got caught in this tangle of ropes. my bad, seriously!

okok, let me settle my part of the feud(whateveritisabout).

i am a woman who protect my friends. i am a lady who does not believe in violence. (lady?! heeee!) i am a female who understands whats not and whats right. and thus i only do this for you, baby.

i do understand now why i am in this mess. its not because of taking sides. its because they THOUGHT i know the story. and for all that matters, i do not know what is happening. neither do i want to know.

i am just angry cause of what baby was being called, period. not because of the insights. i am sad cause of what baby is going through. i am disappointed cause of what you did.

thats just my part and nothing more. i do not know why i am fighting. i do not know what is happening.

i am just fighting for words that are not meant to be said.

i am a girl, and i know what such words can cause a girl to do. and i don't want my baby to be like that. though i know she is falling slowly into that pit.

and as a friend, this is my cue to pull her back. cause no friends want their friends to fall deep into the dark pit.

i am just protecting a friend's well-being and confidence, thats all.

i am not taking sides, thank you.

i am only like a family of vampires.

dun be sucha kid, old woman!

I HATE YOU!

alienated.

i am crushed right now.
right smack in the middle.
of the decision on whether should i go to school or not.

part of me wish that i will.
the other part of me just wanna sleep the night away.
i am tired.
damn tired.

tired from all the work we did just now.
tired of waking up in the morning.
tired of thinking.
tired of going to school.

i am just tired!!
tired of every single thing in my life!
i've got eye bags and dark circles and dark rings
WORSE than a panda's!

my eyelids can't open
and walking now just seeped the energy away from me.

it sucks to be me.
serious.

its so tiring and devastating and mostly, its just a waste of time.

being me is equivalent to having a panda's head on you.
so heavy, and slumber.
no life and pale.
ugly and black.

i am so not human right now.
i feel so "not human".
i feel so lifeless
and listless.
like an alien that is lost.
a kambing away from his herds.

I AM JUST SOOO TIRED!

period.

banji, this is for you.

BANJI :

TAKE NOTE.

you are a nuisance in their life.
i don't care if you're not even my friend.

but you're definately putting my friend(s) in despair.
and i will not accept that.

you are not worth their friendship and love.
so please have the balls to answer what is being thrown at you.

don't be such a dickhead and create unnecessary pollution.
the earth is already polluted enough without your help, thank you.

if you think if being big is a nuisance to you.
please be mature enough to think that you will not survive this life.

i am sorry to tell you that your brain is pea-sized.
and you don't have balls.

i am not afraid of you.
so that is why i am posting this for you.

because unlike you, i love my friends.
despite their sizes and backgrounds.
unlike you, i am mature enough to think how to react.
and unlike you, i protect my friends and stand beside them like a family of vampires.

because you banji, do not know what is the meaning of love and friendship.
and you definately can't see when someone is telling the truth and be sincere about it.
because you banji, are creating so much trouble this past sessions
that they can't take it anymore.
because you banji, are in a world of your own.

so that is why i came to know of all this.
its because i'm being a friend for them.
not for gains.

but i simply can't let anyone call my friend(s) 'xtra large'
or anything else for that matter.

so please banji, even if you don't want them as your friends,
settle this feud.
so you and them will carry on guilt-less.

my love(s)

i might not be there for you, physically.
i might not know what you are going through.
but for sure, i will always be there for you.
deep inside your heart, there is me.
me who will hear your thoughts.
me who will share your sorrows.
me who will give out a hug whenever you need one.

you might not see me there, but i'm there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear rafidah and pravina,

i am sorry that you had to go through this hardships all alone. but fret not, i am always here for you. i might not always be able to mee you guys up for a session, but i'm always free to answer your calls. you know you guys can call me for anything important or not. i shall always prepare a listening ear for you guys throughout the whole day of my life.

may our friendship be blessed with all the AWESOME stuff and HAWT guys(!).

girls, be strong. i know you can go through this turmoil and come out of it stronger than you already are.

dear rafidah and pravina, i love you always.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to my dear beloved,

i am ever so sorry i didn't have the time to spent with you. i've missed you more than ever right now. i am hoping to meet you soon. i can't wait to have fun with you and laugh at the silliest joke that you can ever come up with. i wish to spend endless time with you.

i've missed you so much that i will fly over just to see you. it doesn't matter what people think of us. i am trying to be the best that i can be just for you. i will work hard for you, my darling.

and that is because i love you.

i love you and will always do.

it was not only a dream

it is now that i woke up. feeling fresh and rejuvenated. i woke up after a dream, a wonderful dream i had of you. though it's just a movie playing in my unconscious state of mind, it is a movie that i will never forget. a movie in which i will hold on to it tightly and never let go.

it was a fantasy, a fantasy i secretly wished for. and it came true, but only in a dream. though of course i can never explained it in words here, for its explicit content. but i'm glad that it was played and potrayed in my sleep.

with clear HD view, together with casts and scripts. it looks as though it was really a movie. with my room as a set. emotions and pleasures explodes in the air, like red and gold fireworks that are being displayed during the annual National Day Parade. full of awe and surprises.

oh, that was the bestest dream i have ever had. and i wish that it would come true one day.

it really doesn't matter that we live far apart, my sweets. i can still meet you everyday through this network that has brought us together.

new found friend.

today, i made a new friend.
a friend from the other side of the world.
he's from the UK. and his name is mikey, i think (!).
and so, we're still chatting. god knows what we're chatting about.
haha.
no subject at all.
pretty much random.
and he called me sexy (!).
*blush*
haha.
and so, i've gotta get back to him now.
don't wanna keep him waiting now, don't we?

for now.

before i met you i was positively sure that i would wanna go home. and then came this figure who at first i thought were somebody else's father. a few steps away, me and you. just a few steps away before i actually realised that you're somebody else's son. then i noticed your lean muscles and then your face... i just couldn't stop looking at you, for every damn second. you were a social butterfly among my uncles. and yet i'm there looking at you, at your grace on how you were able to talk to everyone. i was waiting, waiting for you to talk to me. waiting for you to be more than a social butterfly. i hid inside my tent only to get a glimpse at you with your sweats and wet hair. oh! with every chance i had i would grab it and steal a peek at you. for one reason i wouldn't want to go is you. despite the dreaming now i am home. only to wonder about you.

what is your name?
what is your age?
who are you that took my breath away?
who are you?

for all the hours we were merely feets away from each other, never did we exchanged a single word. on the contrary i knew you were looking at me. we smiled not directly, but to each other. and now i wished that i am there. though feets away from you in muted likeness of each other, at least i'm there to be with you.

but reality kicks in now. and i'm at home on my comfy own bed, wishing that i would not have gone home. and now my only hope is the power of the worldwide net, that would maybe bring us together.

as for now i shall only admire you from far, though i am not convinced that i would see you again. i shall only hope, and wish. for little things to happen.

and as for now i have a boyfriend whom i dearly love. and so you would only be my eye-candy who would play with my mind.

for now.

mr england,

spending time with my gurls were a hell load of fun!
it beats going out with your guys,
and it definately beats sitting at home all day long.

on 24th January 2009, my gurls and i went for a beach getaway at Sentosa Island.
and it was AWESOME! superb-ly AWESOME!
and i couldnt ask for a better group of girls, cos mine is WICKED.

Sentosa Island is a long story.
so i definately would not bore you with this.

but gurls, you and i know of what happened.
so lets keep it to ourselves.

its mysterious that way.

my [advanced] 18th wishlist!

here goes my birthday wishlist (may change in the coming months/days) :

1. i really want baileys and coke!
2. i want my loved ones with me for my birthday!
3. i want an external hard drive baby.
4. DRESSES!!!
5. HEELS!!
6. M.A.C make up kit honeys.
7. i want wonderful pictures to be taken (its a must!)

ouhk. so this is it for now. anything additional will be posted later.

remember kay you all. 7th april!

big cat.

you laughed when i cried.
you beat me out of having fun.
you cook while i study.
and you go to work while i'm sleeping.

these are the traits of my boyfriend.

he bullies me till i cry.
he calls me words which others might find it disheartening.
he makes me worried almost everytime he's on off.
he chats with other girls infront of me.

you might think i am crazy to be with this guy. but let me tell you this.

he was there when nobody would care, and he always will.
he's the only one who is successful enough to bully me till i cry.
he helps me out in which ever way he can.

and most important of all is that he love me with all his heart.

for that i shall love him for as long as i can.

because i know that whatever he is doing to me right now, he is just a big cat playing with me.

she pisses me off!

in my room, she is.
very irritating.
fucking mad at her.
expects me to exchange my OWN laptop,
with my OLD Nokia MusicExpress phone.

bullshit.
i'd take the laptop, thank you.
anyway, this beloved lappie of mine
is NOT bought by you.

its a present from your mother to ME.
ha ha.
there - i'm laughing at'cha.

stupid negotiation.

*shakes head*

[sidetrack] alot!

[sidetrack]

i should be studying for my housekeeping test. but i'm too full of information right now (which i most probably will forget about tomorrow). but anyway, as i was studying, i got a bit sidetracked from my original purpose. oh. btw, the inaugration is on right now and i'm listening to it. crap me. haha. so so anyway, meet my newest 'boyfriends'. i know. i'm super dreaming right now. haha. a single and married man here.

from left to right:

Pasha (ungu band), edward cullen (twilight), oncy (ungu band), rizki (the titans)

okay. so, i cant say that they are my boyfriend(s). but what the hell. to me they are good looking, handsome and hot. haha. i'm so dreaming right now. but hey, i will only love one person and one person only. and that is, norzaidi.

and you i love.

advanced.

as an advance post to my photoshoot in school just now, this entry is to tell you people out there that i'm fuckingly in love - with myself. and my new curls. not permanent though. but still. gawd. i can go on about myself forever - i know. i'm just so full of myself right now. hahs. don't mind me.

and there i was - constantly falling in love with myself by the second. haha. oh. and to add to my happiness, gawd. my photoshoot was like a model! with my curls and smile. hehe. i was totally loving myself today! *smiling REALLY widely*

and so on top of that, i met dear beloved today. who apparently bought me a 2-in-1 hair curler/straightener for our 11th month! seriously. i'm supper dupper happy today. like smiling widely i-don't-care-about-the-world happy!

lazy bumb.

i want a fat orange cat.
who will wake me up every morning at 6 am.
only because he needs feeding, not because i need to get my job done.

so will you get one for me?

pretty please...

today is SUNDAY.

today.
omg.
is such a boring day.
tomorrow school and i'm fucking broke!
like serious shit mans.
i wonder where my other thirds are right now.
missed them so much!
and so today was pretty much a normal sunday.
i karaoked at home.
all alone.
daddy's sleeping and mummy's reading the paper.

shits.

bored. bored. bored. as hell!

ouh crap.

it doesn't help - at all!

it doesn't help at all.
it doesnt help at all that everytime i call you today you didnt answer.

it doesnt help at all
that everytime i call you its malaysia's ringing tone.

it doesn't help at all
that once i called you its out of coverage.

it doesn't help at all
that the following times i called you the operator would answer.

it doesn't help at all, norzaidi.

what are you trying to do?

i don't want to think negative - but you made me.

i'm sorry.

i am not.

only when i know where you are and what you're doing,
or who you're with and are you safe.
will i be feeling alright.

but for now i am feeling rather uptight.
cos i don't know where you are.
and i dunno if you're okay.

because you didnt answer my calls
or reply my texts.

but till then i'm not feeling happy.

nabeh.

ku dgr ader family problem sampai ke jb per.
da gitu tak tau nak bilang.
cb.

kalau aku, tau kau marah.
mana ada fair siol mcm gini.
kalau aku tak tanyer mana kau ada pikir nak bilang aku.

initiative la buts.
seeyal.
sakit hati kau buat aku mcm gini.

da net skrg buat problem.
sial ah.
today is seriously not my day.

and fyi, ini la satu2 nyer post aku yg dalam bahasa MELAYU!
oleh kerana aku tgh marah skrg.

NABEH!

my love.

you took my hand and held it tight,
you scold me once but only because you cared;
you pushed me away and then you pull me in,
you lookid me in the eyes and smiled a thousand words.

as your face comes closer my eyes starts to close,
slowly by the second your llips met mine;
senses explodes like fireworks,
full of colour, taste and emotions.

reality was way back in my head,
and we're in a world of our own;
tongues twisted and body entertwined,
for now i know how much you love me.

you took away the pain of life,
and replaced it with love and care;
you made me forget about pain and hardships,
and instil love and happiness.

you are my angel, you are my saviour.

YOU ARE MY LOVE.


p.s: i am coughing non stop!

confused.

i hate difficulties tryna sign in to my blogger account.
lols.

check this out : http://xterminated.blogspot.com

hahas. caught in surprise.

who the hell was that?!

shits. projects to do.

oh, maybe?

after the harsh words you gave me.

oh, maybe?

maybe i would give it a chance.

thank you darling.

school dropout.

is it that bad?

i just want to do what i like doing.

and not suffer for the next one year.

can?

Now What?

i only have one thing in mind.
and facing it everyday isn't helping.
it makes me cry and it makes my head go round in circles.

should i or should i not?
that is the question.

if yes, i could work hard.
i could save up all the money and use it for that sole purpose.

if no, then i guess...
i guess i would suffer doing what i don't enjoy doing.

i guess it was a mistake.
a grave mistake clearly made by me.

i should have.
should have accepted my mom's invitation.

so now, what should i do?
if you're clever enough, you should know what i am talking about.

Would You Marry Me, Please?

i have one question fro your, dear beloved.

Would You Marry Me?

and be with me for the rest of my life.

i love you, dear one.

i just don't know how to express it.

forgive me.

Today.

today my day is fucking boring.
i am right now fucking bored.

they are singing and behaving like monkeys!

how i managed - don't ask.

backache took some pills and fell asleep.

miss dear beloved so very much.
even though i just met him yesterday.

i'm getting sick.
sneezed like nobody's business.
tons of used tissues beside me.

ouhkk. that was just a figure of speech.

drive - bersama bintang.

that's what they are listening and screaming to.

pain in the ass, them.

irritating bunch them.

still, they are MY younger siblings who always gets on to my nerves.

ouhkk. i must stink now.
haven't taken my evening shower.
soooo lazzayy.

god, help me.

i really feel like quitting school right now.
they are really wasting my time, you know.

*sigh*

i really think i am not going to make it for my housekeeping practical.

THE BEDS ARE FUCKING HEAVY!
ITS FULL OF DUST!

i'm super allergic to dust.
i'll sneeze like the world is mine.
i'm so gonna give up.
my back is gonna hurt.

i went to the doctor and its still not doing me any good.

no excuse just some pills.

idiots.

doctors only wants money.
shit ass them.

11 Januari

Sebelas Januari Bertemu
Menjalani Kisah Cinta Ini
Naluri Berkata Engkaulah Milikku
Bahagia Selalu Dimiliki
Bertahun Menjalani Bersamamu
Kunyatakan bahwa Engkaulah jiwaku

Akulah Penjagamu
Akulah Pelindungmu
Akulah Pendampingmu
Di setiap langkah-langkahmu

Pernahku Menyakiti Hatimu
Pernah kau melupakan janji ini
Semua Karena kita ini manusia

Akulah Penjagamu
Akulah Pelindungmu
Akulah Pendampingmu
Di setiap langkah-langkahmu

[Chorus:]
Kau bawa diriku
Kedalam hidupmu
Kau basuh diriku
Dengan rasa sayang
Senyummu juga sedihmu adalah Hidupku
Kau sentuh cintaku dengan lembut
Dengan sejuta warna

Have You Ever?

have you ever...

been approached and told that you're pretty/handsome?
been loved unconditionally despite all?
been sick to the point you just felt like dying?
been held so tight, you just didn't wanna let go?

i have.

have you ever....

told someone that you love him/her?
have the feeling that you can't express your love?
hug a person for so long that it seems forever?
felt that you've known someone from your previous life?

i have.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

loving you may seem to be the hardest thing to do.
for the fact that you are not what i've been looking for.

yes, you are handsome.
yes, you're tall.
and yes, you are dark.

but no, you are not my dream guy.

so what made me get hooked to you?
despite all your past and your present.

its because i've truly learned.

that love doesn't count on being tall.
love doesn't count on being dark.
and love doesn't count on being handsome.

to love, is to be able to share the joy with you.
to be able to cry with you.
and to be able to be with you.

love, to me, is seeing past through your features.
love is a feeling that can't be described.
love is a moment where happiness and sadness can happen at once.

to love you is a mixed feeling of accomplishment and astonishment.
loving you is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me.
loving you make me feel good.
to be loved by you make me feel special.

to you, i say "i love you".
3 words that i don't have the gut to say out loud.
3 words that make me so unsure of a situation.

but to you, i am comfident.
i am sure.
i am brave to say.

"i love you, norzaidi"

may our love last forever and blessed with the good things in life.

come 25th February 2009 0000hrs,
we will be a year older than last year.

oh dear beloved, i love you to the very end.

Life - as it is.

the unfairness of the world creeps up on me.

"life, is never fair", or so they say.
so why, may i ask.
why is life never fair?
unfair to childrens, teenagers, adults and elderly.

life is unfair.

-watching halim serving the customer makes me laugh-

so, back to my whining.

LIFE, is never fair.
so lets play dirty and roll in the dirt.

i don't know why, but it keeps on bugging me.


while we are supposed to slack, they are the ones slacking.
while they are supposed to be stress, we are the one stressing.

oh, please.
the world is going upside down.

life is not worth living if you have no motivation.
life is not worth living if you're constantly brought down.
life is not worth living if you're not happy.
and life is not worth living if you don't have anyone to love.

all this while, we've been living off LOVE.

thank you all.

(thank you)

that's the link for my dear beloved HB to read.

tomorrow is the day that my X-Ray test is gonna come out.
*shrugs*
scary sehh.
haha

Potter's movie gonna come out soon!
yay!

to aidil:

"please call Zaidi. cos he have a plan.
a plan only you and him would be able to carry out.
a plan that allow us to spend precious time together.
a plan to go out without spending too much.
oh, aidil friend, please give Zaidi a call."

Poly-Ohh!

damn crap mann.
haha.

supposed to be at Jurong Polyclinic now.
but...
my mom said to go just for the after lunch registration.

been sick this past months.
but hell,
not sickly sick.

just sick enough to get outta of school and land myself in a gigantous amount of appointments!

i'm pretty much sure ya'll gonna like that.
skip school, or work and stuff.

but trust me, hunny bunnies.

it's a waste of time and money!

and so anyway..

i've got like this medicine to take from yesterday's check-up.
"Doxycycline"

sorta a kind of antibiotics that the doctors gave me yesterday.

had to eat that twice per day for 2 weeks!

*i had that yesteryear, baybay.*

so, with all due respect to my phobia of eating pills,
i think i'm gonna be fine this time round, hopefully.

no one ever knows.

my throat has a way to open and close itself up.

weird, but true...

so while waiting for time to come, to proceed to the polyclinic,
this is what i allow myself to do.

so anyway, i hafta take my Doxycycline now.
if not, dear beloved would kill me.

Oh Why...

why, why must there be wars?
why is the Israel attacking Palestins?

why must all these happen?

why am i selected to be the class rep,
especially when i know i'm going to be packed with appoinments?

oh, why.

and no, i don't think i'm going to do well for this semester.
no, i'm not.

cool shit ehh.

i'm currently watching CSI.
and the way they collect fingerprints on the mass.
damn cool lurhh.

lols.

i think, i need all the luck for this year.

2008 might be a hard year for me,
but i'm pretty sure 2009 wil be harder.

please be the one to push me, baby. i'm depending on you.

The Very First Day.

i love you,
i've always do.

you give me hope
and you've given me strength.

norzaidi, i love you no matter what, okay?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

yes, it's school already.
its helluva day!
doing nothing but talking and catching up.
swell.

raining and cold.
*brrr*
hahas.
but was used to it darlinkks.

so no worries. :)

and so anyway, lots of things happened between the days i was gone.
*laughs*
but it was okay.

ouhh..
and i am thinking of quitting ITE.
and joining MDIS.

but i ain't sure yet.

still thinking.
*hmmmm*

i know, it's a waste of time.
but hell, i'm only with a HNITEC cert when i'm 19!
that means, if god willing...

Diploma at 21/22. old sia.

*shrugs*

p.s: if you wanna know more about me, please do visit me LJ and comment. :)

Do I Deserve This - At All?

well, to answer that quetion above: NO!

no, i don't think i deserve this at all.
no, i don't care if she have known him for more than i do.

he cares for you, yes.
he loves you, yes.

but only to a certain point where he regards you as his aunt.

i am whining again, i know.

but this is what i'm subjected to do.
i can't do anything else.
i don't know what else to do.

oh, help me please.

i know you love me.
i know you do.

but let me ask you this question:

are you willing to let her go?

let me end on a last note.

Ruby, please stop being a bitch. i hate you. period.

ouhhkk.

fine, i'm an outsider.
who gives a fuck right.

i'm just plain speechless now.
not that i've never met you guys or anything.
but i did, didn't i?

and we did went out, didn't we?

and yet, i'm still the outsider.
oh, joy.

and to you, whatever your name is.
you don't know me.
ouhk. hell to knowing me.

let's make it simpler.
you haven't meet me.
so, just shut your trap.

"fuck, i came to your performance when i was free. i came to your sessions when i was free. i made friends with everyone. and i even tegur them on the street. celebrated halloween with you guys. AND I'M AN OUTSIDER!"

was what i told dear beloved.

yes, i'm mad.
disappointed too, you know.

but like everyone says, these small things are not remembered by, let's say... people who call others 'losers'?

what do you think?

finally?

hahas. i'm finally here aren't i?
not much though, but still.
its something.

well, fyi.
its still under construction now.

zzzzzzzzzz