welcome back, love.

There's Nothing Between Me&Zaidi!

okay. there you go.
fucking free from all the fucking fights that we have been having every single fucking nights!
heart pain, yes. sad, NO!
damn shits all the stupid things that have been happening to me in my life.
i don't give a fucking shit anymore.
i don't care.
i need to regain back my self independance.
nabeh.

i have truly lost myself somewhere along that 1 year line.
and its time for me to get back on my feet.
straightened my backbone.
and walk with my head up high.

its time now.

good bye, dependant Fahlynni.
welcome back, independant Fahlynni.

worse than the messiest thing.

i dunno and i give up. i don't know what is the truth and what is not. life is in such a mess right now. i'm sorry baby for this. i''ll make it up to you. and so nabeh cibai. i think i can just concentrate on my exams right now. lets hold this off till i finish my exams. i dunno whether to believe or not. my head, my life, my thinking - its all in a mess.

i fell. for you. months ago. i should've listen to them. but you know what? your mouth gets the better of me. nabeh cibai. let me think. you're not fighting with your parents, somehow you are just avoiding me. why? i dunno.

you want to commit suicide i cried for you. because i really thought it was real. and also because i loved and care for you.

and now i do not know what else to do okay? because im in such a mess right now. nabeh.

it would be good if human beings don't need to think.

study session went wrong.

okay, after school was STUDY, STUDY, STUDY (right)! i did some revisions. but it was only a page or two. what do you expect? it was straight after school. and i was smiling my biggest smile all the way! *only HB knows why. i'm proud of you!* and so anyway, i just realised that if ever i wanna study outside, NO CAMERAS ARE ALLOWED. dammit. cos this was what happened.

my hair's such a distraction.

though not alot of snaps, but seriously. i will not bring my camera when i know i'm going out to STUDY!

-akusetanorang-

HB as how we all are.

me&sayang

school nowadays is such a chore. but thanks to the guys in class, they make going to school at least at tad better. and so the above picture is my part-time boyfriend, firdaus. "syg, esk gi school okay?" hehehe. school yesterday was oh-kay. we didnt do anything much. except for housekeeping theory for the first period and sales&marketing. other then that, we're not having anything. so between 9am-4pm, we only had like 3 hours of studying. lol. for the rest of the hours, we camwhored. as per normal.

me&eswary damn fucking bored.

after the 'coke' session. hee.

maddy&ash

eidel has a fucking huge crush on this dude!

and so that was just part of it, anything you could just view my multiply. and if i haven't upload it by the time you're viewing my multiply site, apologies apologies.

okay for the next post will be during my study session.
LOL!

housekeeping.

this is what happens when i study when the sun is up. this is what happens when i study alone at home. boring or what. i wanna go out, dammit. anyway, i've yet to published my really advanced birthday gift from nyai. yipeeee!

"vampiry"

dammint.
this few days i'm feeling very "vampiry".
- i f that's even a word uhh.

so anyway, i'm chatting with aidil now.
haha.
OLD BOY, AIDIL. *you know i know ah*

and so anyway, nabeh.
today i woke up at 5 plus sia.
then go out of my gran's house at 6 plus.

i salute you who made me do that ah ehh.
*sighs*

lucky you know.
LUCKY i tell you.

if you're some random shit ass,
i'll most probably sleep my way through your problem sia.

but its okay now.

and i'm forced to start studying today.
nabeh la sial.

but at the end of the day i still have to study for my upcoming exams.

still got projects some more.
bloody shit sia like this.

HEADACHE LA SIAL LIKE THIS.

some more ytd i didn't turn up for kak esha's birthday.
sorry ehh kak.
kanina la cibai.

stress sia school.
fuck it la. one more year to go.
next semester no fucking around already.

YOUR THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN TALK ME INTO STUDYING.
PLEASE ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.
I NEED YOU AT THIS CRUCIAL POINT OF MY SEMESTER.
FUCK ME IF I NEVER STUDY!
JUST FUCK ME TILL I CRY!

seriously, i need someone to start knocking on my head.

oh yeah, and this blog is under construction because i want a full moon and vampire skin.
only those who are close to me know why i like it.
:)

no negatives.

when i don't talk to you, it doesn't mean that i hate you.
when i don't say a word it doesn't mean that i don't love you.

don't blame every matter on the financial crisis.
money don't mean the world to me.

i am already mature enough to think.
i am already mature enough to act.

i may look peaceful, but deep inside i'm disturbed.
my head is spinning , thinking.

i also have my own problem to solve.
i also have my own reasons.

don't think that if i don't return i don't like it here.
i am just merely getting away from the problems here.

i just want to spend my time with HIM.
i just want to talk things over.

i may not answer all your questions.
but it does not mean that i don't want to tell you.

i just don't know how to.
for living with a guy.

i have talked to you about him.
so i hope npw you can take the hints.

as for now, i shall get my rest.
and not look like a panda bear tmr.

i shall lie my head.
and wait for his call.

i shall close my eyes
and dream a thousand smiles of you.

a break.

dammit.
i don't know whats up with me, seriously.
one moment i was happy, the next i am moody.
can somebody please tell me?

i feel so sorry for him.
cos i have been avoiding him all this while.
and i know you did nothing wrong.
but its not me to ignore your texts.

definately not me.

and so right now i am blogging feeling guilty.
of the love we used to share,
that is now non-existance
in my heart.

how could i fall out of love with you?
the answer is simple:
i feel obliged,
to be in a relationship with you.

you may think its because of a third party,
but think again, my dear one.
i have been becoming more distance even before this week
i have not been meeting you often even before this week.

and all that smiles and hug
were all pretence of the confusion beneath it.
we may not be fated, or we may be fated.
but thats entirely up to the One above.

i am just here to play my part.
i'm doing this because of the reason underneath it.
a reason that none of us will know.
a reason none of us shall find out.

love do come in different forms.
but the one im looking for is just not you.
or maybe it is you.
i have yet to find out.

till then, lets take a step back and ask:

"is this natural and real or obliged and pretence?"

Love

its something that sets us apart from who we are.
it lets us feel those that cant be touched and see.

oh, dammit.
love is a complicated mixes of emotions and thoughts.

when you care, you love.
but does that mean you will love till death do you part?

but when you love till death do you part,
you care for the other half as well.

so what is love?

some may think they know the answer..
and some may not know the answer.

but what is love to you,
totally depends on ur perception.

some loves are right, while others are wrong.

at the end of the day, its you who decides.

like a family of vampires.

it really came to me. why am i fighting with them? why? hell, i dun even know what i'm fighting about! *laughs* world, oh world. i guess my stand and purpose was not clear. and i got caught in this tangle of ropes. my bad, seriously!

okok, let me settle my part of the feud(whateveritisabout).

i am a woman who protect my friends. i am a lady who does not believe in violence. (lady?! heeee!) i am a female who understands whats not and whats right. and thus i only do this for you, baby.

i do understand now why i am in this mess. its not because of taking sides. its because they THOUGHT i know the story. and for all that matters, i do not know what is happening. neither do i want to know.

i am just angry cause of what baby was being called, period. not because of the insights. i am sad cause of what baby is going through. i am disappointed cause of what you did.

thats just my part and nothing more. i do not know why i am fighting. i do not know what is happening.

i am just fighting for words that are not meant to be said.

i am a girl, and i know what such words can cause a girl to do. and i don't want my baby to be like that. though i know she is falling slowly into that pit.

and as a friend, this is my cue to pull her back. cause no friends want their friends to fall deep into the dark pit.

i am just protecting a friend's well-being and confidence, thats all.

i am not taking sides, thank you.

i am only like a family of vampires.

dun be sucha kid, old woman!

I HATE YOU!

alienated.

i am crushed right now.
right smack in the middle.
of the decision on whether should i go to school or not.

part of me wish that i will.
the other part of me just wanna sleep the night away.
i am tired.
damn tired.

tired from all the work we did just now.
tired of waking up in the morning.
tired of thinking.
tired of going to school.

i am just tired!!
tired of every single thing in my life!
i've got eye bags and dark circles and dark rings
WORSE than a panda's!

my eyelids can't open
and walking now just seeped the energy away from me.

it sucks to be me.
serious.

its so tiring and devastating and mostly, its just a waste of time.

being me is equivalent to having a panda's head on you.
so heavy, and slumber.
no life and pale.
ugly and black.

i am so not human right now.
i feel so "not human".
i feel so lifeless
and listless.
like an alien that is lost.
a kambing away from his herds.

I AM JUST SOOO TIRED!

period.

banji, this is for you.

BANJI :

TAKE NOTE.

you are a nuisance in their life.
i don't care if you're not even my friend.

but you're definately putting my friend(s) in despair.
and i will not accept that.

you are not worth their friendship and love.
so please have the balls to answer what is being thrown at you.

don't be such a dickhead and create unnecessary pollution.
the earth is already polluted enough without your help, thank you.

if you think if being big is a nuisance to you.
please be mature enough to think that you will not survive this life.

i am sorry to tell you that your brain is pea-sized.
and you don't have balls.

i am not afraid of you.
so that is why i am posting this for you.

because unlike you, i love my friends.
despite their sizes and backgrounds.
unlike you, i am mature enough to think how to react.
and unlike you, i protect my friends and stand beside them like a family of vampires.

because you banji, do not know what is the meaning of love and friendship.
and you definately can't see when someone is telling the truth and be sincere about it.
because you banji, are creating so much trouble this past sessions
that they can't take it anymore.
because you banji, are in a world of your own.

so that is why i came to know of all this.
its because i'm being a friend for them.
not for gains.

but i simply can't let anyone call my friend(s) 'xtra large'
or anything else for that matter.

so please banji, even if you don't want them as your friends,
settle this feud.
so you and them will carry on guilt-less.

my love(s)

i might not be there for you, physically.
i might not know what you are going through.
but for sure, i will always be there for you.
deep inside your heart, there is me.
me who will hear your thoughts.
me who will share your sorrows.
me who will give out a hug whenever you need one.

you might not see me there, but i'm there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear rafidah and pravina,

i am sorry that you had to go through this hardships all alone. but fret not, i am always here for you. i might not always be able to mee you guys up for a session, but i'm always free to answer your calls. you know you guys can call me for anything important or not. i shall always prepare a listening ear for you guys throughout the whole day of my life.

may our friendship be blessed with all the AWESOME stuff and HAWT guys(!).

girls, be strong. i know you can go through this turmoil and come out of it stronger than you already are.

dear rafidah and pravina, i love you always.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to my dear beloved,

i am ever so sorry i didn't have the time to spent with you. i've missed you more than ever right now. i am hoping to meet you soon. i can't wait to have fun with you and laugh at the silliest joke that you can ever come up with. i wish to spend endless time with you.

i've missed you so much that i will fly over just to see you. it doesn't matter what people think of us. i am trying to be the best that i can be just for you. i will work hard for you, my darling.

and that is because i love you.

i love you and will always do.

it was not only a dream

it is now that i woke up. feeling fresh and rejuvenated. i woke up after a dream, a wonderful dream i had of you. though it's just a movie playing in my unconscious state of mind, it is a movie that i will never forget. a movie in which i will hold on to it tightly and never let go.

it was a fantasy, a fantasy i secretly wished for. and it came true, but only in a dream. though of course i can never explained it in words here, for its explicit content. but i'm glad that it was played and potrayed in my sleep.

with clear HD view, together with casts and scripts. it looks as though it was really a movie. with my room as a set. emotions and pleasures explodes in the air, like red and gold fireworks that are being displayed during the annual National Day Parade. full of awe and surprises.

oh, that was the bestest dream i have ever had. and i wish that it would come true one day.

it really doesn't matter that we live far apart, my sweets. i can still meet you everyday through this network that has brought us together.